Death by Children is committed to supporting only the highest standards in parenting techniques. We are especially devoted to methods of parenting that embody joy, love, and laughter, as well as promoting the idea to every parent that their children are not a burden, but a gift. We also tell fart jokes.
WWW Technique #001: The Wet Willy
This technique is designed to teach the parent to stop yelling, to relieve the children of the tension caused by yelling, and finally, to resolve the overall tension through laughter.
When someone yells in anger, they must immediately allow the person they have yelled at to stick their spit-slick fingers into their ears for five seconds. They cannot refuse. Repeated offenses double the wet willy time.
- The yellee (and anyone else) cries WET WILLY!
- The yellee must stick their fingers into their mouth with a wicked, perverse, slow drama, making a lot of squishy noises as they swish their saliva around their fingers.
- The yeller takes a seat at the kitchen table, arms crossed, head held high.
- All present gather round.
- The yellee removes their fingers from their mouth and places them in both the yellee’s ears.
- All present count loudly to five.
- The yellee promptly removes fingers.
Why it works
It relieves tension: Yelling creates tension and stress by engaging the fight or flight response. Everyone involved is engaged in this response. The person yelling is probably fighting, the person being yelled would probably love to fly away, as do the the people witnessing the yelling. This tension must be resolved for everyone to get back to enjoying themselves and being happy. Most techniques of relieving tension are academic or somewhat complicated. But laughter and absurdity eliminate tension instantly.
It realigns the parent’s authority: your authority does not come as some kind of birth right. You earn your authority over your children by treating them with respect and, therefore, gaining their trust. By submitting to a ridiculous action, letting your child stick their wet fingers into your ears, you are communicating to them that you know you overstepped their trust and respect and that you are willing to earn it back.
It shows respect: allowing them to stick their fingers in your ears puts them into a position of authority over you. By respecting that authority, by submitting to this silliness, you show them you mean what you say and you respect them enough to keep your word.
It defeats arrogance with humility: yelling at your children is the height of arrogance. You are, in effect, treating them as if they don’t matter, with disregard, as subjects over whom you rule. This point of view is kind of hard to defend when they’ve got their spitty fingers in your ears.
It teaches self-worth: because you are showing humble respect, you communicate to them that they are worth this effort, this humiliation, this silly moment. You teach them that they do not have to submit to abuse and should never do so.