Tag Archives: hardware store

D.I.Y. Installing a New Lock on your Garage Side Door

DeDBC DIY LOGO 150x1501 D.I.Y. Installing a New Lock on your Garage Side Doorath By Chil­dren is about more than the nefar­i­ous and deadly machi­na­tions of our spawn or their efforts to ren­der us twitch­ing and pale from their ongo­ing appro­pri­a­tion of inter­net porn slang. It’s about a lifestyle, a way of going about your day with a ruth­less Zen focus, a way of being ever more self suf­fi­cient and capa­ble. To that end, we present our ongo­ing series of Do It Your­self projects.

DIY #004: The Garage Door.

Mate­ri­als:

  • A garage.
  • A side door.
  • A hard­ware store.
  • A new garage door lock mech­a­nism kit
  • Your neigh­bor, Rick.
  • Your gay dog, Ty.
  • A screw driver
  • A hack­saw
  • A Phillips screwdriver
  • A vice

Instal­la­tion

  1. Notice the side door on the garage is wide open.
  2. Using your full body weight, push the wall of boxes full of old toys, golf sup­plies, gar­den­ing tools, and fer­til­izer back into the depths of the garage so you have a place to work.
  3. Notice an old seed cat­a­log wedged under a bag of char­coal. Read that arti­cle about heir­loom peppers.
  4. Using a dis­carded carpenter’s pen­cil and the torn off flap from a box of bro­ken lamp fix­tures, start plan­ning a hot sauce garden.
  5. Oh yeah.
  6. Tear another large slice of card­board off that box. Fold it up and close the door on it so the door sticks shut tight.
  7. Three weeks later, notice the door is open again. This time, use cor­ru­gated card­board.
  8. Three weeks later, your wife notices the garage door is open.
  9. Go to the hard­ware store. Pick up a garage door lock kit.
  10. Using a screw­driver, a bat­tery pow­ered key hole saw, and a blow­torch, open the theft-proof pack­age con­tain­ing your garage door lock kit.
  11. Using a mag­ni­fy­ing glass, Elmer’s wood glue, and tweez­ers, reassem­ble the charred instruc­tions for your garage door lock kit.
  12. Begin remov­ing the old lock mech­a­nism from your garage side-door.
  13. Stand by fence and patiently lis­ten to your neigh­bor, Rick, as he explains, in detail, how you should replace the garage door lock mech­a­nism. OPTIONAL: think about that pep­per garden.
  14. Notice Rick is in your garage exam­in­ing your old garage door lock mech­a­nism. NOTE: Rick brought his small, ner­vous dog.
  15. Apol­o­gize for your gay dog, Ty, who rock­ets out of the house to lock his ungainly and wildly thrust­ing body onto Rick’s dog’s face. Explain that your dog is gay and ask him if he has a prob­lem with that.
  16. After Rick leaves with his exhausted nervy pooch under his arm, shak­ing his head, implor­ing you to under­stand that your garage door lock mech­a­nism is work­ing per­fectly fine, rip the old garage door lock mech­a­nism off your garage side-door using a crow bar and a cou­ple of phrases you rou­tinely explain to your chil­dren as “Swedish.”
  17. Lay the old garage door lock mech­a­nism aside the new garage door lock mech­a­nism on the top of a stack of Car & Dri­vers lying on top of your unfin­ished grill assem­bly. Turn back to the door for a minute. Turn back to the two garage door lock mech­a­nisms. The new one is on the right.
  18. Wait.
  19. Hold­ing each garage door lock mech­a­nism in turn, rotate the lock engage­ment han­dle. If the lock engage­ment han­dle turns freely while the garage door lock mech­a­nism is held in your hand, you garage door lock mech­a­nism is functioning.
  20. Glance up across the street at your neigh­bor, Rick, who is lean­ing against the back of his 1966 Camaro grin­ning around a fat cigar and watch­ing your every move.
  21. Rein­stall the old lock mechanism.
  22. Return the new garage door lock mech­a­nism to your hard­ware store.
  23. Insist the pack­age was charred prior to purchase.
  24. Using your 2003 Camry, dis­card your new garage door lock mech­a­nism off a bridge while trav­el­ing at high speed.
  25. Upon return­ing and exit­ing your vehi­cle, catch Rick’s eye. Upon Rick’s curt nod, look over the roof of your car to your recently repaired garage side-door which is cur­rently ajar.
  26. Answer Rick’s query, ‘Is that Swedish?’ in the affirmative.