Death By Children is about more than the nefarious and deadly machinations of our spawn or their efforts to render us twitching and pale from their ongoing appropriation of internet porn slang. It’s about a lifestyle, a way of going about your day with a ruthless Zen focus, a way of being ever more self sufficient and capable. To that end, we present our ongoing series of Do It Yourself projects.
DIY #004: The Garage Door.
- A garage.
- A side door.
- A hardware store.
- A new garage door lock mechanism kit
- Your neighbor, Rick.
- Your gay dog, Ty.
- A screw driver
- A hacksaw
- A Phillips screwdriver
- A vice
- Notice the side door on the garage is wide open.
- Using your full body weight, push the wall of boxes full of old toys, golf supplies, gardening tools, and fertilizer back into the depths of the garage so you have a place to work.
- Notice an old seed catalog wedged under a bag of charcoal. Read that article about heirloom peppers.
- Using a discarded carpenter’s pencil and the torn off flap from a box of broken lamp fixtures, start planning a hot sauce garden.
- Oh yeah.
- Tear another large slice of cardboard off that box. Fold it up and close the door on it so the door sticks shut tight.
- Three weeks later, notice the door is open again. This time, use corrugated cardboard.
- Three weeks later, your wife notices the garage door is open.
- Go to the hardware store. Pick up a garage door lock kit.
- Using a screwdriver, a battery powered key hole saw, and a blowtorch, open the theft-proof package containing your garage door lock kit.
- Using a magnifying glass, Elmer’s wood glue, and tweezers, reassemble the charred instructions for your garage door lock kit.
- Begin removing the old lock mechanism from your garage side-door.
- Stand by fence and patiently listen to your neighbor, Rick, as he explains, in detail, how you should replace the garage door lock mechanism. OPTIONAL: think about that pepper garden.
- Notice Rick is in your garage examining your old garage door lock mechanism. NOTE: Rick brought his small, nervous dog.
- Apologize for your gay dog, Ty, who rockets out of the house to lock his ungainly and wildly thrusting body onto Rick’s dog’s face. Explain that your dog is gay and ask him if he has a problem with that.
- After Rick leaves with his exhausted nervy pooch under his arm, shaking his head, imploring you to understand that your garage door lock mechanism is working perfectly fine, rip the old garage door lock mechanism off your garage side-door using a crow bar and a couple of phrases you routinely explain to your children as “Swedish.”
- Lay the old garage door lock mechanism aside the new garage door lock mechanism on the top of a stack of Car & Drivers lying on top of your unfinished grill assembly. Turn back to the door for a minute. Turn back to the two garage door lock mechanisms. The new one is on the right.
- Holding each garage door lock mechanism in turn, rotate the lock engagement handle. If the lock engagement handle turns freely while the garage door lock mechanism is held in your hand, you garage door lock mechanism is functioning.
- Glance up across the street at your neighbor, Rick, who is leaning against the back of his 1966 Camaro grinning around a fat cigar and watching your every move.
- Reinstall the old lock mechanism.
- Return the new garage door lock mechanism to your hardware store.
- Insist the package was charred prior to purchase.
- Using your 2003 Camry, discard your new garage door lock mechanism off a bridge while traveling at high speed.
- Upon returning and exiting your vehicle, catch Rick’s eye. Upon Rick’s curt nod, look over the roof of your car to your recently repaired garage side-door which is currently ajar.
- Answer Rick’s query, ‘Is that Swedish?’ in the affirmative.