I'm Giving My Son Eyes in the Back of His Ass

Posted on May 22, 2009 by Christopher Garlington

I’m taking Roon to the plastic surgeon and get him eyes in the back of his ass.

The kid will sit on anything. He sits on the remote, on game controllers, on entire stacks of folded laundry, on my laptop–if it’s on the ottoman even for a second there’s a near certainty it will end up as a permanent imprint on his dimpled butt. Like a rebus of uh-oh.

I’m particularly upset about him sitting on the phone since they all look alike and I’m running low on Lysol.

Thinking about this makes me wonder what other specializations might be worthy of parental plastic surgery fantasies . . .

A nose in back. Faster fart detection.

Extra wide nostrils. Better booger access.

Night vision. So they can sleep with the lights off.

Prehensile probyscis. So they can hoarf their food and play video games simultaneously.

Eyes in the back of their ass. So they can see things before they sit on them.

Originally posted 2008-11-25 23:33:25. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

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  • Living in Muddy Waters

    Thanks for stopping by. I figured you were G, but I appreciate you letting me know. By the way, I thought you might have figured it out, but I am the artist formerly known as “Clergy Wife.” I got outed by a congregant on my last blog and had to move. So I have been reading here for a while. I still laugh at the neti pik!

  • katie

    I just stopped by this morning on a whim (first time visitor!) and not five minutes after reading this did I see something completely appropriate on icanhascheezburger:

    more animals

    Thanks for writing such funny and enjoyable stuff…your blog is going into my morning routine!
    Also, have you read anything by Mil Millington? You might really enjoy his commentary on children. I’ve laughed to the edge of peeing more than once reading his blog/books.
    Cheers from Canada!
    katie