Recipe #5: Pepperoni Pancakes

You start by offer­ing break­fast to the 537 tweens and teens bivouacked in your abode. After they shrug, as if the effort to speak their thoughts aloud is too much for them, as if the ardu­ous mechan­ics of suck­ing in air and expelling it in such a fash­ion that it may com­mu­ni­cate some­thing is beyond the scope of their hive-mind ennui, as if the words f a will­ing and com­pe­tent chef are like the indul­cent tones of a facks moh dehm, a 2oth cen­tury relic of low baud tele­phonic comm service–after that, feel free to inter­pret their col­lec­tive dis­re­gard as “Please, sir, make us some­thing truly and indeli­bly hideous!” Make them this:

1. Bisquick in the usual fash­ion.
2. Add sliced pep­per­oni.
3. Cook.

Serve with syrup and the option of a lit­tle red sauce.

About Bull Garlington

Christopher Garlington is the humor columnist for Chicago Parent magazine, Seattle Parent Map, and New York Parenting magazine. His stories have appeared in Atlanta Parent, Baton Rouge Parent, Parenting ABC (U.K.); Florida, Orlando, Orlando Weekly, Catholic Digest, Retort, Another Realm, The Dead Mule School of Southern Literature, and other magazines. He is the author of the infamous anti-parenting blog, Death By Children; co-author of The Beat Cop’s Guide to Chicago Eats.

  • faded

    Did they eat it?

  • Anony­mous

    that actu­ally sounds kinda nice…maybe just the last dying shreds of teen in me

  • Natalie Zaman

    Ooooo–please tell me you also added cheese…