It has come to the atten­tion of my son, Squatch, that some of the con­tent on this blog regard­ing him­self is, to be diplo­matic, a total ^%$#@! lie.

This came to his atten­tion because one of his friends, we’ll call him Freddy Mer­cury, Googled Squatch, dis­cov­ered this blog, then read every­thing I’ve ever writ­ten, includ­ing the one where I tried to talk to Con­nor about sex.

To be clear: as a humorist, I often take broad lib­erty with real­ity for the pur­pose of enter­tain­ing my read­ers. If you are a friend of Sasquatch, and you’ve Googled his name and dis­cov­ered this blog, please under­stand I’m telling tall tales here.

You may be out­raged to know nei­ther Slen­der­man, Paul Bun­yan, nor Michael Jack­son are real peo­ple. They are as myth­i­cal as Mickey Mouse and Paris Hilton. My sto­ries rely on crazy exag­ger­a­tion and an abject abne­ga­tion of the laws of physics, chem­istry, social norms, truth, gram­mar, and all forms of real­ity, both real and imagined.

To be more clear, I type with my nose because I have to fin­ger quote every word.

About Bull Garlington

Christopher Garlington is the humor columnist for Chicago Parent magazine, Seattle Parent Map, and New York Parenting magazine. His stories have appeared in Atlanta Parent, Baton Rouge Parent, Parenting ABC (U.K.); Florida, Orlando, Orlando Weekly, Catholic Digest, Retort, Another Realm, The Dead Mule School of Southern Literature, and other magazines. He is the author of the infamous anti-parenting blog, Death By Children; co-author of The Beat Cop’s Guide to Chicago Eats.

  • Richard “Off­switch” Nowak

    All char­ac­ters appear­ing in this work are fic­ti­tious. Any resem­blance to real per­sons, liv­ing or dead, is purely coincidental.

    No ani­mals were harmed in the pro­duc­tion of this blog (ver­i­fied by ASPCA).

  • Richard “Off­switch” Nowak

    Any resem­blance to per­sons liv­ing or dead should be plainly appar­ent to them and those who know them, espe­cially if the author has been kind enough to have pro­vided their real names and, in some cases, their phone num­bers. All events described herein actu­ally hap­pened, though on occa­sion the author has taken cer­tain, very small, lib­er­ties with chronol­ogy, because that is his right as an Amer­i­can.” ~~~ Dave Eggers.