My New Years Resolution:

w 16 lg My New Years Resolution:
rite and pub­lish one story each week for an entire year. I’m already on my way–“Scooby Doo” was pub­lished this week at The Dead Mule School of South­ern Lit­er­a­ture, which I am par­tic­u­larly proud of since I really appre­ci­ate their atti­tude. Please visit their site and check out my story, my south­ern legi­t­a­macy state­ment, and the other authors writ­ing for Dead Mule.

If you didn’t know I was a writer, then I haven’t been toot­ing my own horn quite often enough. I am cur­rently pol­ish­ing off a screen­play which my wife will sell for a bajil­lion dol­lars, a novel set in heaven, and the afore­men­tioned slew of short sto­ries. I am also assist­ing my radio part­ner, Dave Haynes, to write an updated to the Streets and San Man’s Guide to Cheap Eats–Chicago. I have a poten­tial table-top book in the works if I can secure the rights to the pic­tures I found recently in a secret library the name of which shall remain … secret.

I write a blog for the Masonic lodge I belong to, and, yes, I am a Freema­son and, yes, we are secretly plot­ting to take over the world in prepa­ra­tion for the arrival of the Great Mog­wai cur­rently trav­el­ing Earth­ward from the Domin­ion of Phlrgt (stay tuned). I also write arti­cles for the Masonic news­pa­per pub­lished here in Chicago. Back in the day, I wrote occa­sional fea­tures for Florida Mag­a­zine, Orlando Mag­a­zine, and other Florid­ian publications.

In 2005 My Attor­ney fin­ished law school and stepped into one of the coolest, most pres­ti­gious law firms in the world and it was pretty clear that our plans for me to stay home as sup­port were going to be bumped up. I’d planned to start a busi­ness writ­ing busi­ness but My Attor­ney stopped me at the last minute and requested that I spend some time writ­ing what I like to write–stories.

Since then, I’ve been pub­lished sev­eral times, though I haven’t made one red cent at it. Stay tuned here for links to more stories.

Res­o­lu­tion 2: Use Death By Chil­dren to dom­i­nate the world.

You’ll be see­ing more posts in 2008, par­tic­u­larly, the fol­low­ing stan­dard features:

  1. 13 Things …” usu­ally a list of things I don’t like but there’s hope I’ll find some­thing to sat­isfy me
  2. Recipes for Real Peo­ple” unmea­sured, cranky, and weird.
  3. Man­day” (on Mon­days) wherein I sub­mit a brief dis­course on the con­di­tion of being a male.
  4. Guest posts on other blogs, with links.
  5. The Fea­tured Arti­cle” what you’re used to, a 500+ word scree on the con­di­tion of par­ent­ing smart kids.
  6. Pic­tures” from Chicago and Dad life.

I hope you like it. I hope espe­cially that you email every one of them to your hun­dreds of friends and link to me on Face­book. The goal is to get DBC pop­u­lar enough to have it pub­lished. A cou­ple other blogs have made this glo­ri­ous leap and I’m at least as funny as they are. But, it’s not enough that I’m good look­ing and tal­ented: I have to be very pop­u­lar to gar­ner the acco­lades of Madi­son Avenue. So grease up your email but­tons and fire up the con­tact files and let’s do it!

About Bull Garlington

Christopher Garlington is the humor columnist for Chicago Parent magazine, Seattle Parent Map, and New York Parenting magazine. His stories have appeared in Atlanta Parent, Baton Rouge Parent, Parenting ABC (U.K.); Florida, Orlando, Orlando Weekly, Catholic Digest, Retort, Another Realm, The Dead Mule School of Southern Literature, and other magazines. He is the author of the infamous anti-parenting blog, Death By Children; co-author of The Beat Cop’s Guide to Chicago Eats.

  • Anony­mous

    I enjoy read­ing your posts, but the main reoc­cur­ring frus­tra­tion I’ve got is that your blog title/photo links to the photo on Flickr, NOT the blog home page as is stan­dard for most websites.

    So when I come into your site from an RSS feed then I can’t jump to the index page and thus see older arti­cles that I didn’t have time to read when they first came out.

    Yes, I sub­scribed to your RSS feed, you’re good enough that I want to be noti­fied when you post some­thing new, but with three kids, I don’t always have the time to read it right then.

  • Death


    Thank you for telling me that. That’s a cod­ing error on my side which I will fix. You’re right, most people’s header links back to the home page. I’ll see what I can do about that.

    And thank you so much for your kind words! Feel free to email me from the site.

  • Angela from CA

    Recipes for Real Peo­ple” unmea­sured, cranky, and weird.
    YESSSSS (bend­ing slightly at knees and pulling my fist towards me!)

    also, when you make your bajil­lion dol­lars, could I move to Chicago and be your assis­tant? I’m already an EXECUTIVE assis­tant for a big non­profit, so I bet I could han­dle you. :)

  • Angela from CA

    To fol­low up on my last com­ment (2 sec­onds ago) you need an assis­tant to proof­read for you since I am assum­ing that you didn’t spell “legit­i­mate” incor­rectly on pur­pose. Eh? Eh? (nudge, wink)

  • endan­gered coffee

    A novel set in heaven? Does Mitch Albom know about this?

  • Melanie

    Con­grat­u­la­tions! I am happy to hear of your con­tin­ued suc­cess and that you are going to be free to pur­sue it more regularly.

    Happy New Year.