13 Reasons Why Real Men Clean Better

  1. Real Men sweep with a leaf blower.
  2. Real Men don’t mop: Real Men hose.
  3. Real Men under­stand the toi­let clean­ing power of the Water Pik.
  4. Real Men know the best music for clean­ing house is porno.
  5. Real Men know the best way to clean the fridge is to eat your way to the back.
  6. Real Men know Vodka cleans anything.
  7. Real mens KnOw VDkoa cleams anythings.
  8. Real Men dust with a Hoover.
  9. When Real Men wash reds with whites, they don’t apol­o­gize. They just say “pink makes you look ten years younger.”
  10. Real men con­sider phone sales an act of war.

About Bull Garlington

Christopher Garlington is the humor columnist for Chicago Parent magazine, Seattle Parent Map, and New York Parenting magazine. His stories have appeared in Atlanta Parent, Baton Rouge Parent, Parenting ABC (U.K.); Florida, Orlando, Orlando Weekly, Catholic Digest, Retort, Another Realm, The Dead Mule School of Southern Literature, and other magazines. He is the author of the infamous anti-parenting blog, Death By Children; co-author of The Beat Cop’s Guide to Chicago Eats.

  • kather­ine.

    so.…you must be a REAL man.…

  • Anony­mous

    That wouldn’t be the same water pik you put up your nose, would it? Every­time I read your new post­ing I get a tremen­dous EW fac­tor. Why, oh why do I tor­ture myself? But I just can’t seem to stop.…

  • Myric

    Next time you have the need to scrub any­thing, swing over to your local home improve­ment ware­house and pick up the clean­ing tool kit in which any of the brushes, pads or cloth attach to a drill!
    Chrome wheels? Sparkly and shiny.
    Ring around the tub? Soap scum flees in fear of a scrub pad at 10,000rpm.
    And a shop-vac run in reverse (put the hose on the exhaust port) makes a great duster/leaf blower in a pinch.

  • faded

    Rela men don’t sweep with a leaf blower. They sweep with a 6.5 hp gaso­line pow­ered leaf vacuum.

  • Geo­somin

    Real Men under­stand the toi­let clean­ing power of the Water Pik.”

    May I say…ew.
    And I agree about the leaf thinga­ma­jig. A neigh­bor leant me one this fall…it was a hel­luva lot of fun. I’m sure you could use it inside if you wanted to (not gas pow­ered of course!)

  • Uber­Schatz

    So is the lack of the last 3 rea­sons due to the power of vdkoa?

    Love your site.

  • Melanie

    an act of war eh? party on wayne!