Halloween Post Mortem

As always, word of our neighborhood’s can­dy­cen­tric­ness on Hal­loween has spread to the far bor­oughs. Swarms of chil­dren and their par­ents thronged our side­walks and scaled our porches to get candy and we obliged. [My Attor­ney] actu­ally went into Candy Panic when we looked out our front door and real­ized there was a line. 

She shot out to the store to front load a met­ric ton of Mars Bars into the trunk and race back in time to find out the mass can­dy­gank had crested and we were left with only our dark­ened doorsteps and a but­t­load of candy.

Until 10pm.

Then three kids hit the bell. The dogs go ape. Tweens and their keeper, a kid with hair on his hands and a watch. Barely even in cos­tume. I tried to deny but he already had a fist full of Reeses and was back­ing away laughing.

A word to future Trick-or-Treaters (TOTs). The fol­low­ing rules will hereto­fore apply to the House of G:

  • If you’re tex­ting while I’m putting candy in your bag, bear in mind I keep a secret stash of dog-licked all-natural black licorice under the reg­u­lar candy and while you’re LOLling I’ll be putting it into your bag.
  • If you ask for candy and you’re still wear­ing your school uni­form you get Ramen.
  • If you have body hair, you get Ramen.
  • Mr. “I’m a werewolf”/“You’re not even dressed up.”/“Full moon is next week,” you get Ramen
  • The Papa Joe’s pizza deliv­ery guy is not in cos­tume, he’s bring­ing me din­ner. Get out of his way.
  • I’m a Republican/Democrat/Occupy Wall Streeter” is not a cos­tume. Ramen.
  • Any adult dressed as Wil­ford Brim­ley gets beer.
  • All of my candy is unwrapped then pre-licked by the dogs.
  • Ramen.

About Bull Garlington

Christopher Garlington is the humor columnist for Chicago Parent magazine, Seattle Parent Map, and New York Parenting magazine. His stories have appeared in Atlanta Parent, Baton Rouge Parent, Parenting ABC (U.K.); Florida, Orlando, Orlando Weekly, Catholic Digest, Retort, Another Realm, The Dead Mule School of Southern Literature, and other magazines. He is the author of the infamous anti-parenting blog, Death By Children; co-author of The Beat Cop’s Guide to Chicago Eats.

  • Richard “Off­switch” Nowak

    I LOVE RAMEN !!! Must be from my first Army tour in the Land of the Morn­ing Calm, oth­er­wise known as Korea, oth­er­wise known as Kimshi Smells. Any­thing buried in the ground for six months to “fer­ment” is only for the brave of heart (and stom­ach). But I digress, as I’m con­tem­plat­ing what to do with all my left­over Snick­ers, Milky Way and Twix mini-bars. But hey, how about them Car­di­nals huh? The Come­back Kids! What, huh? Oh. (stay on topic) I LOVE RAMEN !!!