Category Archives: DIY

DIY: Repairing an Antique Doorknob in Five Easy Steps!

DBC DIY LOGO 150x1501 DIY: Repairing an Antique Doorknob in Five Easy Steps!

Death By Chil­dren is about more than the nefar­i­ous and deadly machi­na­tions of our spawn or their efforts to ren­der us twitch­ing and pale from their ongo­ing appro­pri­a­tion of inter­net porn slang. It’s about a lifestyle, a way of going about your day with a kind of Zen focus, a way of being ever more self suf­fi­cient and capa­ble. To that end, we present our ongo­ing series of Do It Your­self projects.

DIY #014: The Doorknob.

The Inter­net.
Cognac, Coin­treau, fresh lemon juice, ice.
73 years


  1. Buy a cute Tudor style Chicago bun­ga­low built in 1937.
  2. Give that killer first floor bed­room with the dou­ble win­dows that would make a most envi­able office to your son, the ingrate.
  3. Make sure the kid devel­ops into a sasquatchian freak of nature who can palm a water­melon at 13 and turns his door­knob with the same del­i­cate grace with which the Titanic rammed that cheeky berg.
  4. React with thinly veiled debil­i­tat­ing laugh­ter when Sasquatch calls repeat­edly “Dad? Dad? DAAAAAAAD? I’M LOCKED IN MY ROOM!”
  5. Don’t worry that answer­ing “What? What was that? I can’t hear you, open the door!” is not as funny to him as it is to you.
  6. Let him out.
  7. Using a screw­driver and jeweler’s ham­mer, repair door­knob by tight­en­ing the 73 year old brass screw  hold­ing it together by strip­ping the threads as if they were cast from old play dough.
  8. Wait four hours then repeat.
  9. Wait six hours then repeat.
  10. Wait nine hours then repeat.
  11. Using a carpenter’s pen­cil and a torn enve­lope, write the fol­low­ing excuse for your son’s tardiness:
  12. To whom it may con­cern;
    Please excuse Connor’s tar­di­ness for [date] as he was locked in his room due to a faulty door­knob and my inabil­ity to find the pair of pink­ing shears I’ve been using for the last three weeks to open his door and let him out.

  13. Using the inter­net, look up ANTIQUE DOORKNOBS
  14. Email a link to this alarm­ing porn site to all your bros and, acci­den­tally, your mom.
  15. Get caught up in the res­cue of those Chilean miners.
  16. Over the span of three days, try to write a really good joke using “chili” “mine shaft” and “mistress”
  17. Using a meat ther­mome­ter and a shoe, rat­tle the lock­ing mech­a­nism for your son’s bed­room door as he yells “I’M GOING TO BE LATE AGAIN!” over and over.
  18. Repeat #11 and #12.
  19. Using Duct tape, seal the lock­ing mech­a­nism on your son’s bed­room door.
  20. Watch CNN for six hours.
  21. Scream at your son to turn down the music or shut the &^%$#@! door!
  22. Accept his impec­ca­ble logic when he screams back, “I WOULD IF YOU’D FIX IT!”
  23. Using the ingre­di­ents listed above, make an absolutely killer Side­car. Drink.
  24. Write arti­cle about repair­ing the doorknob.
  25. Don’t repair the doorknob.