1. Aspires to be as swift as a three-toed tree sloth
2. Poops footballs
3. Openly asscrackian
4. Constantly under attack from his own hair
5. Parks his shoes in the foyer instead of the garage where they would fit
6. Watches Intervention and Hoarders like he’s taking notes
7. Say what?—chicken butt! joke is turning me psychotic
8. Thinks vegetarianism is all grilled cheese sandwiches and pizza-not actual vegetables
9. Believes the internet is an encyclopedia
10. Thinks he’s irish
11. Accomplished Loomer
12. The farting. Must. Stop.
13. Keeps patting me on the head, saying: “you’re adorable”
About Christopher Garlington, Esq.
Christopher Garlington lives in Chicago in a standard two kids, wife, dog, corner-lot, two car, small business owner American dream package. He drives a 2003 Camry, sports a considerable notebook fetish, and smokes Arturo Fuente Partaga Maduros as often as possible. His stories have appeared in Chicago Parent; The Kentuckian, The Orlando Sentinel, The Daily Herald, Exito!, Florida, Orlando, Orlando Weekly, Catholic Digest, Retort, Another Realm, The Dead Mule School of Southern Literature, South Lit, and other magazines. He is the author of the infamous anti-parenting blog, Death By Children; co-author of The Beat Cop’s Guide to Chicago Eats; and co-hosts a weekly radio show based on that book. His monthly column for Chicago Parent, “My Funny Life,” was nominated for best humor article in the 2010 annual Parenting Publications of America Editorial and Design Awards.
