WELCOME TO

DEATH BY CHILDREN!

I Had Kids So You Don't Have To!

by BULL GARLINGTON

DEATH BY CHILDREN

THE COLUMN

THE BOOK

THE AUTHOR

ABOUT DEATH BY CHILDREN

WHAT IT IS

WHAT IT DOES

It makes you laugh out loud. It heals cancer. It makes your new high heels break in in about half the time. It keeps vegetables fresh twice as long. It gets you out of jail free.

MY MISSION

MY APPROACH

I come at things from the point of view of a man kidnapped by savages, while juggling explosive chainsaws in a fire tornado.

The multi-award winning syndicated humor column that starts at Chicago Parent, hits New York Parenting, and then flees screaming into the rest of the US

2014 book of the Year finalist for the Midwest Independent Publishing Association and ForeWord Reviews.

When he gets pulled over, the cop gets a ticket. He doesn't always write humor, but when he does, everyone spits their drink out.

Edgy, rude, self-deprecating and most importantly hilarious, this collection of blog posts and columns from award-winning humorist Christopher Bull Garlington serves as uproarious evidence that fatherhood is hard, often messy, and always life-altering work. Where other parenting memoirs focus only on the diaper years, Death by Children proves that a father's job only gets more complicated as children move into adolescence and prepare to leave the nest. Parents and dads in particular will have no trouble recognizing their own daily struggles in the humorous and engaging anecdotes gathered in this book, including favorites F-Bomb Report, Pauseaholics, Driving Miss Crazy, and Raised by Google.

Stories about being the least capable parent in the world told from the perspective of the terrified father of two geniuses, married to a genius lawyer. Basically, it's a memoir of failure.

To be the best doggone humor book about parenting there is, while simultaneously not giving an ounce of advice nor having a mustache like Dr. Phil.

MEET THE FAMILY

THE GIRL

THE DAD

THE BOY

Acts as an adjunct wife in the sense that she nags me when [My Attorney] is busy.

Constantly trying to leave the country.

Grows out his shoes on the way home from the shoe store.

Mostly Princess

Perplexed

Part Sasquatch

It's all their fault.

SAMPLE STORIES

CAVE DIVING FAIL

SPARKLY TOES FTW!

HOW TO FALL OFF A HORSE

Author is not responsible for readers spitting their drinks onto their keyboards or for insance looks from El passengers.

In which our author heaves his screaming progeny into shark infested waters then loses them. Kind of.

The true tale of my daughter's NSFW transition into a caped crusader.

The author's 11 year old son gives his father his new shoes, which he outgrew while he was trying them on.

Wherein our idiot author flings his children into the dark frigid waters of a bat filled cave.

The alarming story of how our unsuspecting columnist's toes became ensparklenated.

The author's carefully crafted instruction manual for falling off a horse in front of  laughing children.

BOOK THE AUTHOR'S POPULAR PROGRAMS!

DEATH BY CHILDREN!

Slideshow

Hilarity

Q&A

Book signing

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$150

RAISED BY SNAKES!

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Hilarity

Q&A

Book signing

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$150

WET WILLIE WAY!

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Hilarity

Q&A

Book signing

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$150

VACATIONING?

Slideshow

Hilarity

Q&A

Book signing

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$150

PROVEN PROGRAMS FOR PUBLIC SPEAKING AND PROFESSIONAL PRODUCTIVITY PAUSES

TESTIMONIALS

Christopher Garlington’s unique sense of humor gives him an unusual take on parenting that is always good for a laugh.

 

Tamara O'Shaughnessy | Chicago Parent

To say that Bull was a huge hit with the ladies is an understatement. Not only is Garlington as engaging and humorous in person as he is in print, but he is an unbelievably humble and generous tutor: sharing personal anecdotes (failures included) that inspired our group to grapple with their insecurities to try something new – whatever form that desire takes.

 

Becky Sawarte | CWIP

Chris Garlington is brilliant, hilarious, and all-round wonderful--and I'm talking about his writing, his ability to self-promote and his marketing perspective, and what it's like to work with him. Eminently recommended!

 

Sharon Woodhouse | Everything Goes Media

These people think I'm awesome.

READ DEATH BY CHILDREN

WANT TO RUN REPRINTS?

These fine magazines–and more–have the good sense to run my column.

Email me for a year's worth of pure hand carved hilarium!

BOOK BULL GARLINGTON RIGHT NOW!

Book Him

CONTACT BULL

TALK TO MY PUBLISHER

Sharon Woodhouse at Everything Goes Media is the Queen of awesome publishing and all that goes with it.

Address :

Everything Goes Media

733 North Plankington Ave

Unit 7A

Milwaukee, WI 53202-2405

Phone :

312.725.6077

312.226.8400

Email :

info@everythinggoesmedia.com

bullgarlington@gmail.com

Meet the author for impromptu signings and beer:

For issues regarding stains and ruined keyboards, please talk to my attorney.

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Copyright Chris Garlington 2014. All Rights Reserved.